But its not my fault.

I remember, clearly, walking out of my bedroom this morning, walking past my mom's desk I saw a bag of bud, I picked it up, and put it where it belongs, the stash spot.
But, that never happened. I sat here waiting for some friends to stop by so we can toke, but I decided to go and pack the bowl, get it ready. The weed wasnt there. At first I was shocked, thinking maybe I put it some where else, no dice.
It was all a dream....

Quite disappointing.....

 "I was shopping at Wal-mart with some people and we came across two girls, younger then me, about 13,  we were stopped by security but they let us go, later that day I find out that the girl is in a mental hospital. This all takes place in my hometown. I even at one point am in my childhood home, when my mom comes home, I run. I go to see the girl, I think her name is Sam, and the other, Michelle. Sam is the one in the hospital, while Michelle, it seems, has a crush on me, and is upset when I go to see Sam instead of her."

So, I went to this site that interprets dreams and this is what it said.

That's a long dream!

Intriguing -

Dreaming that you are shopping is a reflection of your needs and desires. Consider what you are shopping for and what needs you are try to fulfill. In particular, Dreaming that you are shopping for food and groceries indicates your hidden attempt to buy the attention of others.

Do you the people in your dreams? The most direct reason for you to see people you know in your dream is that you miss them but you may not realize that you have missed them when you were awake. It can also signify that you desire for certain qualities of those people for yourself.
Seeing people you don't know in your dream reflects hidden desire inside of you.
Seeing people from your past in your dream can be long-held fixation you have been reluctant to confront. Or, it a current issue, which you can best deal with when it is manifested as a past story. In everybody's personal history, there are similarities between the past and the present.

That girl you see in your dream is you. If you are not a girl, this may sound outrageous. But even if you are an old man, you still have certain characteristics that are playful, innocent, and childlike. All of us (especially if you are a man) are likely to have to repressed that part of us once we a no longer little girls. Your dream has brought to your attention the need to be playful and light, and even silly. If you are a man and you dreamt that you are a girl, you probably either want to be a girl or explore your feminine side.
If the girl in your dream is some one you know and paid attention to, your dreaming about her represents your concerns on whether you had made a good impression on her and what she thought of you. You feel anxious about your relationship with her.

Observing in your dream that you have a sense of security is an indication of that you may be experiencing much insecurity in your waking life. The dream is compensating for your lack of security. You need to feel well-protected, both physically and emotionally.

Dreaming of a sunny day denotes clarity and/or pleasantness. You are seeing things clearly.
Dreaming of a gloomy or cloudy day represents loss.

Dreaming that you find something denotes that you are coming into contact with some aspect of your psyche or unconscious. You are recognizing a part of yourself that was previously repressed or undeveloped. As an alternative interpretation, it represents change.
Dreaming that you find someone refers to that you are identifying new facets of a relationship. You may be taking the relationship to a new level and/or direction.

A hospital in your dream symbolizes your need for some type of major care and healing.

Seeing in your dream that evening has arrived suggests the end of a cycle, aging or death. It may also be symbolic of unrealized hopes.

Dreaming of your childhood is an indication of your wish to return to a life where you had little responsibility and worries. It also denotes innocence. As an alternative interpretation, it suggests that certain aspects of your childhood has not yet been integrated into your adult personality. Or on the other hand, some childhood anxiety has yet to be resolved in your adult life.

Being at “Home” is the ultimate security. Dreaming you are at home is an indication of your high comfort level.

Seeing your mother or a mother figure in a dream can have complex meanings, depending on the emotions it has evoked. She is an indication of either love, nurture, comfort and protection, or control, manipulation and criticism. Or often both.
Dreaming about a recurring issue between you and your mother usually fulfills your wish of getting over it. You probably have. Your dream serves as a reassurance.
The mother in your dream may also reflect certain aspects of you. It symbolizes your willingness or readiness to devote yourself, even sacrifice yourself, for a particular cause. Your mother's words in the dream are from your own intuition.
Has your mother passed away in real life? In that case, dreaming about your mother is an indication of your desire to acknowledge truth about yourself or your true feelings beyond the regular realm. Expect unexpected wisdom.

Running is a common dream theme because of a survival instinct we developed in a long ago, much more primitive time - the instinct of fleeing predators. Nowadays, we mostly only exercise this instinct in your dreams. Our body is made to run. In running, we sense strength and vitality. But again, nowadays, dreams are the only place many of us actually run and the only place to experience the mental well-being associated with running.
Running away or being chased is a different kind of dream from simply running. It is a warning about a danger that is about to catch up with you. Fear is a very intense emotion associated with this kind of dreams. You are running away from either a specific problem or the general pressure in life.
The night terror of trying to run away from danger but can't move your feet has to do with the actual paralysis took place during the REM (Rapid Eye Movement) stage of the sleep.

Having a dream that you forget your name or someone else's name indicates that you be feeling overwhelmed and burdened. It may also indicate that you have forgotten your true self or your family roots.
To hear your name being called indicates that you are in touch and in tune with your spirituality. It also makes you aware of your own uniqueness and highlights your individuality.
Seeing a familiar name written in your dream denotes the way you feel about that person. Your intuition about them may turn out to be true.

Dreaming that you are crushing something suggests that you are under tremendous stress over a decision that you need to make.
Seeing in your dream that you have a crush on somebody, is a literal reflection of your attraction and fascination for that person. To see your crush in your dream symbolizes your current infatuation with him or her. If you find yourself thinking about him during the day, then it is understandable that his image will appear in your dream during the night. If your dream that your crush rejects you, is a reflection of not knowing how he or she really feels about you and whether he likes you or not.
If you dream that somebody has a crush on you, then it represent you own sense of worthiness and esteem.
Dreaming about a former crush, reflects that particular period in your life and what you were feeling. The former crush reflects a point in time when you first had the crush on that person.
Observing in your dream that your crush rejects you or stood you up symbolizes your feelings of insecurities and anxieties. The idea of not knowing how your crush feels about you is driving you nuts. Assuming that he or she will reject you before you actually know, saves your from getting hurt. You are afraid to find out how he or she feels about you.



Deep right?
I'm not sure exactly what it means, but it is certainly strange.

Imagine
Lonely stars sitting in their
Odd circles of
Viciousness
Examples of hatred full the air
Yearning for love, but rarely is it reached
Originality is rare, this are not
Unconditional, with so many conditions

So yeah, I know.
I stayed home today, i wasnt feeling well, I thought my stomach would implode.
I slept until 1:30, woke up and sat around, waiting for her to wake up.
I played some Pokemon, listened to some music, then Tyler and Brett came over, they chilled for a little while before they had to go.

And, I've been thinking.
But when am I not.
I have fears, and vulnerabilities, just like everyone else. I fear being rejected, so I prevent myself from doing anything that could end in rejection. I fear failure. And so, I do not fail.
I have made mistakes, and I remember them all clearly. I will not make any of them again.
She scares me. She thinks so highly of me, I wish she didn't. What if I can't live up to her expectations. She will read this, and she will tell me not to worry, that I will, but will I?
How can any of us be so sure? Of anything?
This could all be a lie, this world, this everything. This could be the Matrix, and none of us would know it.
Or maybe we just wish it would be, so our actions won't have an effect, so we could do whatever we want, without consinquence.

1000 miles is a long way. 10 months is a long time.

 

Current Music: Jesus Christ - Brand New

minds on overload, need time to clear my thoughts
I tried writing
I had something to say, a message to get across, but I couldn't do it, the words won't come trough
I hate doing this to you, but theres to many things on my mind, I need to sort them out, and school won't help, I want to use my free day, which is definitely deserved, to the fullest extent.
brains half dead, almost happy

And so, I was thinking.
I do it often.
I'm sorry. For not trusting you, I can't, I want to, its hard.  I've tried so hard, for so long, and your undoing it all.  You were right, I there are things I want to say, but can't, for one reason or another. My life has always been filled with secrets, perhaps more then average. But theres certain things that are better left unsaid.
Together we'd make a great team, if I don't destroy our relationship     first. I don't want to, but it will happen, in the end, I'll say something really fucked up, and it will end as quickly as it started. Its what I do.
School will stress things out, it always does. But maybe, just maybe, we both can find the strength to make it, at least until next year, I'll make it back, I promise. I have no idea how at this point, but I will. Being in jersey would help it, the airport's closer, and theres more people to drive me. The money will be hard to save, but I'll do my best. Convincing my mom will be hard,l but if push comes to shove, I'll be able to get someone to drive me behind her back, I have to go, I have to.

So.. thats it I guess, I have to choose what I'm willing to tell, but first I must find out why I won't tell them.

I was thinking about what I said.
And yeah, it was fucked up.
But you do it, and thats fucked up, to me, and your friends, and your family.
This is our last taboo, I suppose. I made light of it, and I shouldn't have.
Its sad when you see everything self destruct and you can do nothing about it. I mean sure, theres good times, and there's bad times. But the bad times seem to stick out more. Perhaps because, as a speices, we are ment to be happy, but intelligence comes with a price.

So, simply, go to your room, everyone. Sit there, and listen, no, simply wait. The world will come to you.

I've been thinking.
About all kinds of shit.
About Wow. How what it really is.
What it started out as. What it will become.
I pick my words carefully. Certain things are better left unsaid.
Out of all the times I asked myself that question. The title.
I'v thought of ways that have been done. Rocket launchers dropped from helicopters. Stabbing them 23 times. I guess it depends on what type your killing.
But I noticed that theres one thing thats always there, something universal. You go for the heart.
Two magnum shots, one RPG, or a knife, clean and through. You go for the heart.
So I guess there it is. Thats how you do it.
Its how it gets done.
You go for the heart.

When people ask me what I'm going to be, I say I'm going into politics.
Everyone needs a cover story.
I am going to be a writer, no matter what I have to do to get there, I am going to be a writer.
Starting today, i will spend atleast one hour a day either writing or editing. I have two first drafts that need to be finished, Both "Run." and "Wow."
I know what I must do, and I will do it.
But that doesn't mean I'm not still going into politics, I will, I mean, I need to make a difference, so I might as well hit two fronts.
 
So, Besides that, summer school sucks, Connor Sucks. Everything sucks.
Once Summer school is out I have to baby sit, for the entire summer, but, I'm going to make her pay me, theres no way I'm doing it for free, fuck that.

So, yeah.....